We did finally make it to our destination.  It is a lovely little Florida community called Seacrest.  Beautiful homes and foliage are everywhere and the community family events are daily.  And our house?  AWESOME!  The decor was out of a magazine spread.  There were enough beds for everyone to have one to themselves and the boys got a whole floor on the 3rd floor to themselves-with a television!  You have no idea the amount of peace this afforded us all!

Also, my daughter had her own room with a television so she would retreat in there every time the boys started annoying her.  She spent most of her time there, in fact.

I will admit that it was a bit of a trek to the beach and it was seriously crowded with a bunch of over-privileged, snotty, selfish, tourists, but we managed to have a lovely time despite that.

My husband and I marveled at the attitude of the other tourists.  They never failed to disappoint us by meeting our "I am an asshole" expectations.  Whether they were walking down the sidewalk or through our beach towels, these folks exuded their TOURON attitude.  

However, the folks that were serving us were phenomenal.  Every waitress, tram-driver and sales clerk was so helpful and kind.  It was refreshing after watching and dealing with the rest of the buttheads.

We brought along my very favorite jerk.  My mother.  After our first day on the beach, and listening to her whine about how she doesn't really like the ocean (What???  She planned this whole experience!  She initiated the planning!  She doesn't like the what what???) we were waiting for the tram to take our sorry hineys back to the house 2 blocks away.  Truly, I could have walked but the kids and my mom were having none of it.  

So my mother tells me that my belly was showing in my tankini.  With a long skirt.  I try to stay covered up for many reasons, mostly because no one wants to see this belly.  I know that.  But also, everyone around me is a stranger.  And a rude stranger to boot.  So I don't f-ing care if an inch of my stretchmarked belly is showing for a moment.  But then this conversation happens:

Mom:  Your belly is showing.

Me:  Okay, but I don't know anyone here and I am not too concerned about it.

Mom:  But you don't have to look at it.

Me:  (stunned silence) That is pretty mean, Mom.

Mom:  I know.  I am sorry.  I love you no matter how you are.

(She has said this to me before and fails to understand how completely asshat it is.  I was tired.  I let loose.)

Me:  I love you no matter how you are too, Mom.

Mom:  (Confused look-maybe finally understanding that she is being a jerk) . . . 

And so our vacation started on a wonderful note of peace and harmony.  Or maybe not so much.

And don't worry, I have more of these Mom gems to share.