Skinny Minnie

Are you skinny?

I am not.  I am rotund.  Fat.  Obese.  A big girl.  Wide load.  Fatty.  And all those other ugly words used to describe folks that look like me.

I don't like it.  Of course.  I look back over my life of eating habits and I truly just don't know where I went off the rails.  I was a skinny child.  But I remember in HS being around 105 lbs. and thinking I would be happy to lose those 5 lbs.  That is some skewed thinking.

In my 20's I gained a few pounds here and there.  Then I got engaged and lost quite a bit of weight but when I looked in the mirror, I still saw the chunky me.  I always had wondered at girls on TV intervention shows who were anorexic who would look in the mirror at their emaciated bodies and see 'fat'.  But I did that during that weight loss period.  I saw the slight bulge at my tummy.  I saw the thickness in my thighs.  I was still fat in my head and if all that work still didn't get me skinny, then why the hell bother?

So after the wedding, I gained.  Quite a bit.  And I still didn't see my true self in the mirror.  I couldn't understand why my pants didn't fit.  I would die a little bit as I slowly had to stop shopping at stores that didn't carry my size.

And then I got pregnant with quadruplets and I GAINED!  It was all physician supervised and my diet was very strictly controlled, but the emphasis was actually on gaining.  The babies needed to grow so I was eating the healthiest I ever had but I was on strict bedrest too so I was just laying around and eating healthy foods and gaining baby weight, I hoped.

That pregnancy was like the traumatic event in a hoarder's history that causes them to lose their shit and start stockpiling bags of cat feces.  It created a moment in my life where I went from fat to morbidly obese.

Once the babies were born, I lost a lot in inches and in pounds, but the exhaustion, sleep deprivation, and pure emotion meant that I was eating a lot and I put it all back on twice over.  Not good.

So now here I am, post baby by about 7 years, and I look in the mirror and I see it.  I see the huge belly that sags and the droopy thighs and I diet and I walk and I lift weights and I see the stretch marks and the scars from the c-section.  I have lost a few pounds here and there but it doesn't seem to matter.  I still will need extra room in my pants because of the way my body is shaped now.

And I am embarrassed by it.  When I eat in public I can tell that other people, even close friends, are looking at what I put in my mouth. I feel judged by them.  I feel I should have to explain that my blood sugar is bottoming out because I skipped breakfast to try and be 'thin'.  Or that I just walked two miles and won't get to eat again until late tonight.  They look at that fork of whatever and think, "That is why she is fat."

I watch them eat too and wonder at how they can stop.  How can anyone order a meal and eat only half?  Only half a dessert?  Say no to the ice cream, cheese, hamburger, pizza?  How do you do it?

I have tried so many diets.  Weight Watchers, Adkins, South Beach, Flat Belly, Nutri-System.  17-Day.  some of them work for a bit.  Some don't at all.  I choose healthy foods to have at home.  I exercise 5 days a week.  I park far away and walk.

Family relationships have always played a part in my weight loss/gain.  They haven't held back in their judgement of my size and the voices in my head are theirs.  Saying that I shouldn't eat that muffin.  That  I look horrible.  How can my husband love a fat slob like me?

And when things are extra stressful, I hide any eating I do.  That seems wrong too.  Even if it is an apple core I am tucking in under the garbage at the top of the can.  

I know that I should stick to it and be faithful to responsible eating.  Then I get hungry and fuck it all I will eat something!!

Again, I have no real moral here.  No "and then she ate celery soup for the next 4 weeks and miraculously lost 130 pounds!"  

I read inspirational weight loss stories and am inspired.  But mean words and hurtful labels won't turn this ship in a different direction.  I honestly don't know what it will take.